


Soy Hombre

by GreenBean



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: (Eventual) Sexytimez, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slash, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Unplanned Pregnancy, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-03 13:10:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenBean/pseuds/GreenBean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trans!MShep is unable to transition until after the Reaper War. This is a Kaidan/MShep and, later on, Garrus/MShep story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love and Loss

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: Discussion of abortion/termination, gender dysphoria (if you squint hard), and non-malicious mis-pronouning. 
> 
> Now that's over with, Hope you like this, and I shall try and make the chapters longer next time :D Just wanted to get this out before my computer crashes again XD

Annie Shepard lay in bed next to Kaidan, wide awake and praying to Gods he no longer believed in. How could he talk to Kaidan about this? About this massive, soon-to-be wedge between them. Or rather, these two massive soon-to-be wedges between them. One he'd been hiding for a month and a half, the other for most of his adult life. Neither would be able to stay hidden much longer. Annie looked at his slightly rounded stomach. This morning, the morning after Kaidan had come back from a month-long trip to his parents that Annie had been unable to go to thanks to morning sickness (But Kaidan hadn't needed to know that), it became apparent he couldn't hide either thing from Kaidan any longer. 

...Thing. As if it wasn't a miniature human being, a life. What Annie had gone through at the Crucible two years ago to save. Ah, Fuck. It was no use. He was going to have to tell Kaidan now. Turning over in the bed, Annie spotted Kaidan's gaze fixed on his stomach, with a slight smile and a raised eyebrow.

“So why didn't you tell me you are going to be a Mom?”

O O O O O O

Garrus sat at a run-down bar in Palaven, downing yet another drink. He wasn't drunk – not yet anyway. But if he could get to drunk soon, it would be another excuse to put off seeing Solona and his Father. Ever since his Mother died he'd been unable to face them, and that had been almost a year ago. To think she survived the Reaper war and (with a lot of money, time, and medical assistance), almost recovered from her illness as well, only to die from the turian equivalent of a cold virus in her weakened state from the treatments. A virus Garrus was sure he'd passed onto her. Spirits... Yet another person he'd failed.

O O O O O O

“Kaidan...” 

“Annie, this is amazing! We're going to be parents! God, you'll make a wonderful Mom.”

“Kaidan, I won't...”

“Sure you will! I guess it's a while off yet, but we can make a nursery out of the spare room. Shit I'm going to be a Dad!”

“Kaidan, please listen...”

“Oh Ana, I wish you'd told me earlier I could have told my parents! This will be yet another tick in their “Kaidan man up and make Annie your wife” list.”  
Kaidan grinned goofily, but Ana flinched at the word wife.

“Kaidan!” he all but shouted, hot tears welling up in his eyes. “We're not having it.”

“I... what?”

“Kaidan, I can't, I just can't go through with this. I need to have a termination, I'll book it early so we don't... get too attached. I only waited until now so I could tell you before I got rid of it.”

Kaidan stared at Annie, aghast.

“What? Annie, why? Why would you do that? Surely, I mean...” Getting off the bed, he started pacing the room, agitated. “I'm not going to stop you, but please! We need to talk about this! This is our child! You could be a mother!”  
Annie flinched. 

“Kaidan.” His voice broke. “I'm happy to discuss my reasons with you, but I really won't change my mind.” Shaking his head, disbelieving, Kaidan ran to the wardrobe and pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee.

“Kai?” Annie asked, his voice more tremulous than he would have liked. “Please, we can work this out...”

“I know, Shepard.” Kaidan said, “But I need time. Please don't... don't without me. I just need a couple of days at my parents' to cool off, then we can talk.”  
Annie hung his head, the fact that Kaidan had called him Shepard instead of his given name had not passed him by.

“Okay Kaidan. Remember I love you.”

“I know, Shep.”

 

O O O O O O

The afternoon had just begun when Annie's phone rang. Giving the number a quick once over as he didn't recognise it, Annie decided to answer it anyway. Sometimes Tali's bi-monthly calls came from unknown numbers, and Liara's weekly calls almost always did.

“Hello?”

“Is this Miss Ana Shepard? This is Huerta Memorial Hospital, we need you to come urgently....”


	2. Living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for suicidal thoughts and actions, and (brief) mentions or abortion. Quite a lot of gender dysphoria too.  
> (If you want to miss this chapter then I'll do a rundown at the beginning of the next one)
> 
> Now that's done, enjoy! (And don't worry, fluff will come too.... eventually)

Annie sat in the hard hospital chair, the doctors' words washing over him more than sinking in. Drowning him in medical terms.

Liara's hand clutching his kept him somewhat grounded as he was told that the man he loved had died before he arrived at the hospital. Apparently Liara had only received the news a few minutes before he did, and had rushed to the hospital to be there for both of them. It had been a skycar crash, of all things. The woman and her children from the other car were fine, thank God for small mercies. A few scratches and scrapes, and possibly a concussion, but that was it. But Kaidan was dead. Virmire, the Collectors, the fucking Reapers. And it was an average, everyday car smash that had taken Annie's and Kaidan's future away from them. 

As he walked out of the hospital room, supported from collapsing by Liara's arm around his back, Annie couldn't help but think that this was his fault... If only he'd stopped Kaidan from leaving.

O O O O O O

It was two weeks before the funeral happened, mainly because for such an esteemed war hero, and a Spectre to boot, everyone wanted to be there, and logistics had to be worked out – not to mention as it was being held in Canada parts of the area still hadn't been fully repaired from the Reaper War yet.

It was quite possible that, Reaper War included, those two weeks were the worst of Annie's life. Liara and Tali were staying at Annie's house, which forced him into acting relatively sane. But finally, the day of the funeral came, and Annie had to wear a damn dress.

It was the last straw. Kaidan had died because he tried to come out, and now he was wearing a fucking dress for the funeral? It was just too much. Halfway through the funeral, Annie realised he had nothing else to live for. It was a two mile walk to one of the bigger rivers nearby, and it was flooding season. There was no way Annie would come out of that alive – and if there was an afterlife, then here was hoping that Kaidan wouldn't be angry with him.

As soon as the official service finished, and people began mingling and sharing stories of Kaidan, Annie sloped off.

O O O O O O

Garrus wasn't enjoying the funeral at all. For a start the guilt over his Mother's death was still too raw, and a funeral wasn't the thing to help. He had never been that close to Kaidan anyway – the way he had treated Shepard at Horizon had cooled off their friendship even more. But the past was the past, and if Shepard could forgive Kaidan, then Garrus was damn sure he could too. 

The problem was, everyone kept talking to him. Only just pulling himself from a drukon stupor of run down bars in time to look presentable and get to the funeral didn't help, and he'd never been the most social of turians. He prefferd the predictability of calbrating the guns on the Normandy to the unknowns of talking to the crew. On turian ships no-one cared if you weren't very chatty, as long as you got the job done. On human ships (And probably other species' ships as well, if Shepard's crew were any indication), communication was a must. It wasn't so much of a problem on a turian ship anyway – turians could read each other easier than other species because of their subvocals.

Shepard was the only one he wanted to talk to at this damn funeral, and she'd sloped off a good ten minutes ago. Garrus decided to go and find her. 

O O O O O O 

As soon as Annie was confident he could make his way to the river without his omni-tool map, he took off the omni-tool and discarded it at the roadside. If anyone noticed he was missing it was probable they would track him by his technology. He suspected Liara already knew what a fragile state of mind he was in – the asari had always been too observant for her own good. He was over two thirds of the way to a bridge the map had marked now, and, realising that he'd been walking for fifteen minutes now, broke into a run. Someone would miss him soon, and there was no way anyone was going to stop him from being with Kaidan again.

O O O O O O 

It wasn't hard for Garrus to follow Shepard's tracks – even though he thought of himself as a bad turian, all turians were natural predators, and his hunting instincts were just as good as the best of them. It's how he'd stayed alive in Omega for so long.

She was making good time to wherever she was going, he'd give her that. She'd put on weight since he'd last seen her (he didn't think it was a bad thing, even if it did make her seem more... squishy than usual), he supposed from leaving military life. He'd made a comment to Liara that Shepard looked good, and she'd given him a slightly annoyed look, before disengaging herself from the conversation. 

He knew the Shadow Broker had always had a thing for Shepard, enough to give her body to Cerberus so they could bring her back from the dead of all things (Though he couldn't deny that if he'd known it was possible, he'd have done the same Damn thing). Idly, Garrus wondered if Liara was jealous of him. He couldn't see why she would be, it's not like it was just her that had a monopoly of harbouring feelings for Shepard. After so many years, he could admit it now. He had a teenage crush on a human. A soft, squishy, breakable human.

Maybe Liara had given him that look because Shepard was the most screamingly heterosexual woman that had ever lived. She had absolutely no interest in women, or asari (them technically being mono-gendered). Not that she'd have an interest in turians either, Garrus knew that for sure.

Breaking off from his internal monologue, Garrus paid attention to the footsteps he'd been tracking rather than paying attention to for the last ten minutes. Come to think of it, why was Shepard heading out this way? Something didn't seem right, there was nothing out here.

Noticing a slight scuffle on the ground by the footsteps, as if whoever it was had sat down for a moment, a flash of orange caught his eye, mostly hidden in the tall grass. Picking it up, alarm bells started ringing as he recognised it as Shepard's omni-tool. She never took this off, it was like a child to her. He remembered her telling him Admiral Anderson had given it to her as a gift when she gained her Spectre status – a fancy upgrade from her old one. Opening the last looked at files, his heart dropped at the map view of the area, with a bridge over a river notorious (according to the extranet anyway) for suicide. No. Shepard wouldn't. Would she? Whatever the case, the bridge was pretty Damn close, Garrus realised. He'd better run.

O O O O O O

Sat on the edge of the bridge, contemplating his final moments, Annie suddenly realised that no-one else knew. He would die as Ana Shepard, beloved friend, bereaved girlfriend, and expectant mother. Tears slipped down his face as he realised it was too late to back out now anyway – he couldn't bear to go through with the abortion that sent Kaidan away when he'd mentioned it, essentially to his death. But there was no way he could live with the alternative, especially without Kaidan. Still sat down, he realised he'd never officially said his name out loud. He'd had it in mind for years, ever since he was a kid. But he'd never really connected it with himself. This would be his final act – to speak his name out loud. Then all he had to do was stand up, and it'd be done.

“My name is John David Shepard.” he said out loud.

“That's funny.” A voice drawled behind him. “I always thought your first name was 'Commander'.”


	3. (En)Lightening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry but this chapter is kind of short! D: Have had terrible lack of muse, and it didn't feel right making the chapter longer for the sake of it.  
> TW for more suicidal thoughts, and non-deliberate mis-pronouning.  
> Hope you like!

If John hadn't been sat down he would've fallen. Which was strangely more terrifying than it seemed a minute ago. He steadied himself as he put the Commander mask on, and turned slightly so he could see Garrus from the corner of his eye.

“Vakarian.” He greeted.

“Shepard.” Garrus drawled back. “Nice view out here. Although it's a bit watery for me. Turians never were good swimmers.”

The Commander mask cracked for a moment, and a ghost of a smile passed Shepard's face. 

“I remember you telling me on The Citadel. A lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning, huh? Did you find that out personally?”

“Not yet, and I'd rather keep it that way. So how about you move away from the edge of the bridge, Shepard? Think of it as keeping my scaly ass dry and... non drowned. Nothing more.”

O O O O O O 

Back at the funeral, Tali leant against Liara, overcome by grief and too much alcohol. 

“It's not fair, Liara. Kaidan could be a bosh'tet, sure, but he was Shepard's bosh'tet, and he was our bosh'tet, and I miss him. I mean, who's going to fly the Normandy now? Well, Joker obviously, but who's going to command it? Since Shep resigned I... where is Shepard actually? I haven't seen her in ages.”

Liara's brow furrowed, and she thought for a second. “Neither have I. Or Garrus, come to think of it. Considering Shepard's state, it's a little worrying.”

“Shepard's state?” Tali echoed anxiously. “What do you mean? I know she loved Kaidan, and of course she's going to grieve. But you don't think she would... All the people that died on her and she kept going, why now?”

“I don't know, but there's something she's not telling us.” Liara replied with a frown creasing her forehead. “And whatever it is, I'm worried about her. I think if she's not back in the next ten minutes we should go and look for her.”

“You're probably right.” Tali agreed. “As soon as I've finished my drink we'll go.”

O O O O O O 

John's shoulders stiffened, and he turned away from Garrus slightly.  
“I know I'm a terrible dancer Garrus, but I have more balance than you give me credit for. Just enjoying the view.”

“Enjoying the view of a raging river of death with your omnitool abandoned halfway down the road? I don't buy it, An... Shepard. Why don't you come back with me, and we don't even have to mention this to any of the others. They're going to come looking eventually.”

John froze then unfroze slightly when Garrus didn't finish saying his birth name. Did he know?

John turned to Garrus, suddenly seething. “Right. Okay Garrus, whatever you say. So what am I then? An hormonal idiot? A suicidal mess? Or just plain overreacting? Because this doesn't fucking feel like overreacting to me!” Garrus opened his mouth to reply, but John wasn't having any of it. “No, fucking listen to me. You know, I don't give a shit what the others think. There is no-one, not one fucking person who hasn't let me down or used me one way or the other! Tali abandoned me because I was with Cerberus the first time I met her after my death, Liara, Hell, let's not mention Liara because she's been about as much use when I needed her most as a chocolate teapot, and she's the one who damn well brought me back from death anyway, like I had a choice. Wrex, well he was busy on Tuchanka, no time for me. Even Kaidan...” 

John's eyes teared up at his name. “I'm fucking pregnant, Garrus. With a baby I don't want that it would kill me to have. All my life I've felt different, and wrong, and the moment I try and take something for me... Everything goes to shit! This is my fault he's dead, all my fault. If I hadn't tried to come out of the closet, none of this would have happened.”

Garrus was silent for a moment, looking up on the extranet what “coming out of the closet” meant.

“...So you are attracted to women?” He asked slowly. “Because if that's what you mean I'm sure Traynor could...”

“No.” John sighed. “Garrus, I'm a man.”

O O O O O O


	4. Liberating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long! I've been having issues with my own gender, and am therefore finding it hard to engage with this fic D: Also terrible writer's block -_-

Security had been tight at the funeral, but now Kaidan had been cremated and everyone was chatting, the guards seemed to have relaxed a bit, Liara thought. While she didn't approve of it as such, it certainly made it easier for herself and a slightly sozzled Tali to check the rooms for Shepard discretely. She was nowhere to be found. 

“Where do you think she is, Liara?” Tali asked.

“I don't know... I probably shouldn't, but I can check her extranet sources.” With a few quick presses of her omnitool, Liara's face turned pale.

“We should probably hurry. This last search was performed half an hour ago.” Liara said, showing Tali the previous two searches - “Nearest river” and “How long does it take to drown”.

“Keelah!” Tali exclaimed. “Get Joker, we should take a shuttle to save time.”

“You're probably right, but if we can't find him straight away we'll just have to run.”

“I last saw him at the shuttles about fifteen minutes ago with Steve and Wrex. He's probably still there!” Tali replied.

The two women rushed towards the shuttles, and nearly banged into Wrex on the way.

“What's the rush?” Wrex grunted.

“No time to explain, where's Joker?” Liara asked.

“He's taking a piss in the toilet round the corner, want me to...” Before Wrex could   
finish, Liara and Tali had already run into the mens' toilets, and Wrex heard a shout that sounded remarkably like Joker yelling obscenities.

“Jesus, let me do my damn fly up first!” Joker yelled, hobbling out of the toilet seconds later supported by Liara and Tali.

“There's a mental image I didn't want.” Wrex grumbled under his breath. Joker and the two women set off in the Kodiak to wherever the Hell they were going, and Wrex laughed under his breath at the thought of the look on Steve Cortez's face when he realised his baby shuttle had gone missing.

Deciding it was probably time he got ready to head back to Tuchanka if Shepard wasn't going to show her face, Wrex headed to the bar for a shot or two of ryncol before he made the journey back, and opened the door just in time for an explosion to knock him back to the ground.

O O O O O O 

“Shepard, I'm sorry but I have no idea of how to get information about that from the extranet.” Garrus laughed nervously, using a rather human gesture of rubbing the back of his neck. “You're going to have to explain, or I'm going to look less than intelligent for the rest of this conversation.” John smiled despite himself.

“Fair enough Garrus. Hell, even now not as many humans as I'd like understand it, let alone aliens. I'll explain.”

Garrus listened intently as John explained, nodding occasionally to show he was keeping up.

“Mind if I ask a few questions?” he asked as soon as John finished.

“Sure.”

“So is this a common thing in humans?”

“It used to be relatively common, until they started the gene regulations up sixty years ago. If, during the scans the baby is shown that it'll grow up to have a gender identity at odds with its body, they perform steps to correct the body with drugs shortly before it's born. It was controversial to begin with, probably still would be if not for the reapers. But regardless I never had it anyway, assuming it's cause my mother left me in an orphanage to rot that she never took the tests. Maybe she didn't have the money, I don't know. Not that I really care.”

Garrus nodded. “Do you want me to call you John? Or do you not want anyone else knowing?”

“Not... yet. I don't know. I....” John paused, and narrowed his eyes at Garrus. “Vakarian, I don't know why you left C-Sec. You're a Damn good negotiator. You should do something with those skills rather than bumming around the galaxy.”

Garrus twitched a mandible in the turian equivalent of a smile, then they drooped down again when John mentioned 'bumming around the galaxy'. 

“So you are still in contact with Liara then?” He managed a wry attempt at humour.

John moved to sit down, and Garrus tensed slightly as the human teetered a little over the edge of the bridge.

“Don't worry, Garrus. You've successfully talked me down.” Shepard said dryly. 

Garrus cocked his head to one side. “You've just lost a partner, Shepard. And you appear to be blaming yourself, apologies if I'm wrong. That doesn't just go away, no matter how much of an amazing friend I am.” He attempted another smirk, but it failed somewhat.

John hung his head slightly, then schooled his features into something harder. “Maybe not. Hell, almost definitely not. But you've been drinking yourself to death since your mother died by a certain someone's sources. And if you've got the Shadow Broker worried about you, you know it's bad.”

“It's not that...”

“You took three shots of ryncol while off your face one night, and some red sand. Ryncol isn't even compatible with your proteins, let alone can anyone other than krogans...”

“And you...”

“Yea, but I'm Commander Goddamn Shepard.”

“Who's also standing on the edge of a bridge.”

John shrugged, although Garrus swore he saw a flash of hurt in his eyes.

“I'll give you that one. And I'm not judging you for the red sand, I... Fuck, even Liara doesn't know this but I went there more then once. Kaid... I... a... friend snapped me out of it after you guys got back from your year long excursion to Pragia's jungle. Hell, I was only up for six months without you guys, only fucking awake, not up for seven. No-one else knows. Except Liara now probably as I've said it out loud, but that can't be helped. What I'm saying is, you could have died. And I sure as Hell can't do this alone. So how about we help each other out? There's no Shepard without Vakarian.”

“And there's damn well no Vakarian without Shepard.” Garrus vehemently agreed.

O O O O O O 

Wrex pulled out his shotgun just in time to shoot a mercenary in the gut.

“...d'you hear that...” “nshots.....ck it out!” the instructions echoed from the half-dead merc's headset. Wrex looked over the merc's body quickly before running in the direction of the explosion. He had no discerning features other than obviously high quality tech even for a grunt, so whoever owned them obviously had money. Other than that who knew. There was a logo on the mid chest, but it was too covered in blood and Wrex was in too much of a rush to check it out. Barrelling through anything and anyone in his way, he made his way towards the screaming.

It was carnage. A few civilian friends of Shepard's and Kaidan's lay dead or dying on the floor, each of their throats slit from ear to ear. Some of the soldiers weren't doing any better, and the guards had just been slaughtered. Admiral Hackett was nowhere to be found, Wrex supposed he'd fought his way out. As a small army of mercs lined up around him, he supposed he'd have to do the same.

O O O O O O 

“So, let me get this straight,” Joker seethed. “First of all she kills my girlfriend and expects me to get over it, now because her boyfriend dies she's trying to off my best friend as well? Who just, y'know, happens to be herself?”

Liara glared at Joker disapprovingly. “Joker, you can be such a... such a”

“Bosh'tet?” Tali supplied helpfully.

“I was going to say stubborn idiot, but that works too.” Liara answered, frowning when Joker mimicked her in a falsetto.

“Whatever Liara, we're nearly at this bridge you were on about anyway. Is that Garrus over there with her?”

Peering to get a closer look, it was only Joker's skill that managed to save them from the explosion that followed, mere metres away from the shuttle.

“What the Hell!” Joker yelled. “Hold on you two, looks like we're under fire! Damn if I could just see past this smoke...”

Explosions wracked the air and the ground around them, and when the smoke cleared slightly, Garrus, Shepard, and almost half of the bridge were nowhere to be seen.

O O O O O O 

John woke up with a start, vision slightly blurry and aching all over. The last thing he remembered a gunship had appeared seemingly from nowhere and Garrus and himself had gone hurtling towards the water – he remembered landing with a cracking sound, and not much after that. Sitting up as quickly as he could with what felt like a few bruised ribs, John hastily scanned the surroundings. He was in what appeared to be the med bay of a ship – presumably the ship of whoever had been shooting at them. There were no guards immediately apparent, and it felt like he'd been given a sedative from the heaviness in his muscles. Thankfully biotics burned off medication and other drugs quickly – perhaps whoever had captured him hadn't been counting on that. Whatever was going on here, John needed some answers.


End file.
